I never said it would be easy...
Updated: Sep 25, 2018
this Mindfully Divorcing process. Oh no. I know every time I think, say or breathe in the words and concept, that it won't be simple. Mindfully divorcing doesn't mean I won't get frustrated or feel baited by certain hooks. I am human. He is human. We are a certain combination of a human that we formed while together, and now this process of becoming our own beings again reveals itself to be tricky. As fuck. Land mines, potholes, speed bumps, minor wrecks in the fast lane. The unbraiding of us is actively happening and I am learning that we must do it carefully, slowly - yes, mindfully - or knots will form and we'll have to get out the scissors and hack away at it like fiends.
Question: does rabid hacking and chopping ever end up looking good? Smooth? Satisfying?
Nah. Getting frustrated and chopping it all to bits only leaves me with ugly bits I'll have to carry around until the end of my time.
Why would I want to feel chopped and ragged and broken until the end of my time?
I do not want to carry around shards of shittiness, so... I pause.
I take a close look at the snags and tangles that come my way.
I pause so that I may find and take out my comb of patience.
I look at the knots closely and slowly begin to untangle
a forgotten phone call,
a text exchange gone wrong,
a parenting move I don't agree with
I pause and lovingly hold the knots in my hand and realize
these knots are what I bow to,
they are what I should be eternally grateful for,
for they bring about the sensation of witnessing myself get hooked,
of feeling the startling pierce of the hook on my being,
I let go and absorb the sting.
Yes, it's painful.
Hooks are painful, and we are right to let go.
To become unhooked.
But we must feel the threat of that hook, the pain, in order to rid ourselves of it.
And it is not easy.
But I have a feeling,
my truth is telling me,
that the effort is worth it.
The effort is in noticing.
The effort is in accepting.
The effort is in shifting.
The effort is here and I am open to the ease that's coming my way.